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"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." - Carrie Fisher - Author, Actress
If someone has maligned you in some way,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it is not within your control to alter another person's behavior. The only thing you really can change is your inner image of that person in such a manner that you are feeling less disappointed, hurt,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], bitter, cheated, or wronged by them. Truth is, everyone is doing the best they can with the light they have to see. Some people are missing a few batteries in their flashlight. Others have no idea how to turn on a flashlight. They are in the dark, unconscious to, their own unrealistic expectations and misguided thoughts that their actions are based upon. You can choose to dim your light to match their or shine your light to brighten their way.
Once you've examined your expectations, change your thoughts, and decide upon the best course of action.
I work with a lot of people who are often in conflict with people they work, or aspire to work with, or in their personal relationships. Time and again I see people become frustrated, angry, and hostile,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], all a result of having fixed and expectations of one another. Some hold onto and wear their resentment like a badge of honor. It's an exhausting way to live. Helping people recognize and reframe these control-based expectations is essential to real movement toward agreement,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], better experiences and overall emotional intelligence growth.
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And one more question:
If you discover that you've been hit in the fact with a thwarted expectation take a breath. Instead of cursing, believing that you've been foiled yet again, ask yourself the following questions:
What you don't realize is that this powerful negative emotion was stirred up by no one other than you so that you could 'be right' in the situation. You seek your validation through making others wrong. Being right makes you feel better about yourself because it gives you an excuse to direct your anger, your blame, at someone else instead of taking responsibility for your own agitation.
The source of anger and resentment is unmet expectations. Simply put, you are not here to live up to other people's expectations. Nor is anyone here to live up to yours. Think about the times you have been angry, aggravated,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], frustrated or downright pissed off. What was at the root of your upset? Chances are something you expected did not happen the way you wanted or assumed it would. Expectations can be good when used to energize and motivate in a positive direction. However, when entangled with unrealistic suppositions often developed in early childhood, they are likely to cause disappointment. Common reaction to disappointment is anger, resentment and depression.
Resentment is a thief that you invite in to steal your personal power. The more you resent the more you will feel victimized and powerless. Your emotions are indicators of whether or not you are about to act in a way that supports you or adds insult to injury. If you feel good,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or at least calm, you are fully present in a position to respond productively from a centered place. If you feel bad, you've slipped into old thinking patterns of the past and are reacting automatically and irresponsibly from a disturbed place. Resentment over stymied expectations is not your friend in any circumstance. Pain can happen,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], anger and resentment is a choice.
Was your expectation realistic?
Just because you would do or say something in a specific situation does that mean that everyone has to act in the same way?
Do you even have all the facts?
Are you making up any of the details of the circumstance?
Are you making assumptions about the other person's motivations,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], agenda, thoughts or beliefs?
How do you know what you assume to be true is absolutely true?
Is there any other way the situation could be perceived,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]?
Often when people come up against what is their idea of right and wrong, they tend to revert to old coping pattens of thinking. These 'rules of life' might have helped you make it through childhood safely and securely but they no longer are useful if they get in your way as an adult. In an effort not to lose what is really a false sense of control and security,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], people unrealistically expect all people to behave a certain way and presume all situations should turn out as they think they should. If any of this sounds a bit familiar, know that in these circumstances you unwittingly set yourself up for an unhappy experience. You will likely feel the blunt force of disappointment, anger, resentment, and rage.
Know this: Any time any one or any thing controls how you value yourself or how feel, you are a victim to that person or thing.
As you begin to appreciate others in spite of their faults, you begin to appreciate yourself in spite of your own faults. You are doing the best you can and have opportunities to learn new, more productive, ways of thinking. As you do so, you will enjoy renewed energy, a more positive attitude and much better experiences when you let go of beating yourself up over unmet, often unrealistic, expectations of yourself.
By Valery Satterwhite, The Official Guide to Empowerment
See all Articles by Valery SatterwhiteSee Valery Satterwhite's Expert PageGet Updates on EmpowermentGet Updates on Valery Satterwhite Average: 3 Your rating: None Average: 3 (5 votes) Tweet
Even if this other person disrespected or devalued you in some way, was it what you expected them to do? If so, look within to reveal where you disrespect or devalue yourself through your thoughts and beliefs about you. You cannot get that which you do not already have. If you want to be valued,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], respected, or loved you have to respect, value and love yourself first.
No other person or situation can make you angry,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Events alone do not cause anger. If someone does or says something that is not in line with your expectations you have the power to choose to react or respond. You can blindly react as if on autopilot as you run you old victim oriented "how dare she do this to me" routine that holds you back from moving forward or you can stop and deliberately decide how to respond.
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It’s not as if you can hurt someone and expect that hurt to magically evaporate. Boschmann und his team made seven youths and seven young people drink half a liter (about 2 cups) of water on an empty stomach in the morning.
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Listen well and prosper.

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When you found the solution and accepted it from the marketer, there were at least two levels of exchange.
Marketing your solution to a problem is a spiritual, even sacred process. Here’s why.
It’s a simple process. I give you a product,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you give me money,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], end of story.
Bring to mind a time when you had a problem you couldn’t solve and you had to look for help,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. It doesn’t matter whether the problem was serious — maybe even life threatening — or just an irritation you needed to alleviate.
That’s the external expression of the event,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the physical one, the obvious one,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the one everybody knows about, the one most marketers and consumers believe to be the sum total of what takes place.
And most marketers don’t experience themselves as motivated by anything more than money,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
But there’s more — so much more.
As the gravity of the consequences that flow from your need increases so does the depth of the exchange.
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And when your problem is minor — no weighty consequences attached — most of what happens happens at the external level.
Let’s begin by assuming you are a customer. Given that:
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The importance of finding and utilizing a knowledgeable,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], experienced mentor is immeasurable. Usually it is not difficult to find a good mentor. Most highly successful people are more than willing to spend time with you and help you understand what got them there. Usually they love what they are doing, and if you share their enthusiasm for their specialty, they are willing to help. I know I am when someone asks me.
You must be careful from whom you seek advice. Avoid those who only have opinions, not facts.
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When I'm mentoring, I'm giving back that which was so graciously given to me. I love mentoring others and showing them how to create the success I now enjoy. I mentor others willingly because I love knowing that I played a part in their success. The sign of a good teacher is when the student surpasses the teacher.
In your life, you have probably already enjoyed the help of several mentors. For example, you may have had a parent,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], coach, teacher, or associate who made a major impact on your life. A mentor could even be someone you don't know personally-someone whose philosophy or example touched you so deeply you decided to emulate him or her. In some way, directly or indirectly, these people were there for you. They knew what they were talking about, and they showed you a better way to achieve.
People sometimes come to my office and stay for a week at a time. They fly with me on business trips or attend my speaking engagements. I even mentor over the telephone, via e-mail, and through newsletters-internationally. I became who and what I am because of my Core Desires to succeed, and because I asked successful people how they got where they are. Then I listened to what they said and did what they suggested.
Why try to reinvent the wheel when you can talk to its inventor,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]? The person who desires to be successful will always learn from other people's successes as well as from their mistakes.
Today, businesses also rely heavily on mentoring. Mentoring goes on every day, everywhere. It goes by many names,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and it has made many advances. It is a source of guidance you should not leave to chance. Never ask someone to teach, train, guide, or lead you if that person has never successfully done what you want to do.
Don't expect mentors to pop out of the woodwork and present themselves to you-seek them out. Networking is a great way to meet mentors. I have always found that when you are most in need of a teacher or mentor, one will enter your life. Don't stop with one mentor-seek many more. The time and effort you put into finding great mentors will be repaid many times in the long run. They'll prevent you from making time-consuming and costly mistakes. You may only get one good idea from a mentor, but it could be the very idea you need at the time .
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FINDING THE RIGHT MENTOR
Of whom are you going to ask questions? Obviously you'll seek someone who knows the answers. Whom you put your trust in is very important, so choose carefully. Seek the advice and guidance you need only from people who have achieved what you want to achieve.
A decade ago, mentoring was a hot buzzword-people acted as if it were something new-but mentoring isn't new in education or business. For centuries craftspeople have set up guilds with apprenticeship programs where newcomers learn their skills from seasoned artisans. Mentoring has been a mainstay in the world's military establishments: armies take in raw recruits and mold them into soldiers by using seasoned, experienced, and often battle-hardened drill sergeants as teachers. When recruits have classroom instructions, read textbooks, follow lesson plans, and use teaching aids,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], they are benefiting from the expertise of top military mentors.
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then said, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." James was very surprised and handed Joe the money. "I didn't think you could do it!" he said.
Everyone needs mentors. They are critical in our quest to enjoy the best our lives have to offer. Mentors are ideal if you want to capitalize on the shortcuts and proven methodologies for creating wealth, closer relationships, or any other important objective. Don't ever believe that someone made it to the top without the help of others. And don't let fear or pride keep you from seeking mentors.
In my office I have a plaque listing all the people who greatly affected my life. At the top of the plaque I engraved, "To these people I owe an eternal debt of gratitude for their substantial influence in my life." Each day when I sit in my office,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I think of all the people who helped me get where I am today.
When I was twenty-eight years old, I asked a wealthy gentleman from my church to mentor me. He had the kind of life I wanted-time for his family and plenty of money. Although I didn't know him, I called him and told him that I wanted to be like him and have the lifestyle he enjoyed.
By Jack M. Zufelt - "Mentor to Millions"
See all Articles by Jack ZufeltSee Jack Zufelt's Expert PageGet Updates on Peak PerformanceGet Updates on Jack Zufelt Average: 3 Your rating: None Average: 3 (1 vote) Tweet
Having a mentor I an integral part of getting where you want to go and achieving what you want to achieve, as fast as possible,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], with the fewest mistakes. I consider mentors to be key components of maximizing your Conquering Force.
He chuckled and said, "Sure! Come over to my house sometime, and I will tell you what I know." He was my first business mentor. I was able to create a substantial net worth over the next five years because of what he shared with me. I was a good student: I took notes in his presence, and I was an avid listener.
How do you get someone to mentor you? Simply ask. You can call them or write a letter. All you need to do is let your potential mentor know that you are serious and not interested in wasting their time. Let your prospective mentor know that you consider him or her to be the perfect role model for you. Give honest praise for their accomplishments, but more importantly, be sincere in your request and your dedication.
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Clinical Hypnosis as an Intervention of CBT
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Clinical Hypnosis is NOT a state of trance beyond consciousness or control. It is not a form of brainwashing; nor does it have the capacity to force one under the power of another. For the most part, those you may have seen or heard of whom comply with the hypnotic suggestions to “cluck like a chicken” or “bark like a dog” are already suggestive to do such things while in the “alert” state.
While searching for a good therapist or doctor who uses hypnosis as part of their normal practice interventions, those who belong to a National Hypnosis Organization will be your best bet. National organizations have strict rules and standards of practice and also require the therapist or doctor to be a licensed professional in good standing before acceptance into their training programs and organizational memberships. Two of the most prominent organizations in the USA are the Society for Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis (SCEH) and the Association for Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH).
For the most part, most people have some level of hypnotize- ability. However, there are some people (estimated at about 5-15%) at either end of the bell curve that have extremely low hypnotic susceptibility or extremely high hypnotic susceptibility. In general, people who exhibit concrete thinking, low self-reflection, or are unable to identify words for their moods are mostly at the low end of the curve. Highly hypnotizable people are generally high in self-reflection, self-awareness, and are open to the powers of self-healing. The experts suggest that hypnosis can be used as a safe intervention for most people; although, it is not recommended for those with organic brain syndrome; severe OCD; severe mania or those in a manic phase of Bi-polar Disorder; or for those clients who “seek the magical cure” (unrealistic expectations). Hypnosis, like any other good intervention, requires the patient to persistently practice the techniques and skills over an extended period of time. The patient must desire the change and be willing to do the work consistently. No hypnotic suggestion or any other therapeutic intervention will work if the patient does not desire the change or is not willing to practice the skills for change. Children are often very highly hypnotizeable due to their natural tendencies toward imagination; however, the hypnotic trance state is much more active in children.
Therefore, don’t be afraid of hypnosis. It is a safe,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], harmless, and beneficial intervention to facilitate a wide variety of symptom relief and self-growth interventions. Try it! It can be a very interesting, relaxing,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], beneficial, and energizing intervention and personal skill.
During hypnosis,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the patient remains in control of his/her mind and body at all times. No suggestion will be carried out outside of one’s normal range of behaviors. Good hypnotic suggestions should incorporate this premise. A good therapist will get to know the client well first before using therapeutic hypnotic suggestions. General relaxation, energy balancing, “safe place” imagery, or stress relief hypnosis sessions are good interventions for new patients to help them get used to experiencing hypnosis and to improve their hypnotic susceptibility for future, more intensive clinical suggestions. Continued hypnosis sessions usually help to increase hypnotic susceptibility over time. Clinical hypnosis does not have the capacity to cause harm like it does in the movies. Hypnosis is a safe intervention and should not be feared. Of course, some therapists and doctors are better than others at their skill set and technique: hypnotic induction and hypnotic suggestions. Patients should exercise the same right to question training and credentials as they would for any other professional.
Simply, hypnosis is a state of focused attention. The mind becomes so intensely focused on one topic – first the relaxation, then the hypnotic suggestion – that it fades out all other senses and awareness into the non-intrusive background. The patient still remains totally in control of his/her body and mind; however, the state of deep trance allows one to focus on the suggestions while “tuning out” all other thoughts, noises, or distractions. Hypnosis is likened to the meditative state of turning within for focused attention. In addition, many therapists who use hypnosis describe it as a deeper form of guided imagery.
Many therapists who are also well-trained in hypnosis use it in conjunction with Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy as an additional intervention. These therapists claim that using hypnosis as an intervention has the potential to reduce therapy sessions by as much as 2/3. The reduction of sessions required to reach one’s goals is largely beneficial to the client in numerous ways. The hypnosis client often experiences a reduction in negative symptomology much quicker helping his/her to achieve resolution to the root cause of the problem.
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Clinical hypnosis is a state of trance that we all experience under normal circumstances quite naturally. The state of hypnotic trance is very similar to the state of relaxation that we all experience between falling asleep and being awake. Hypnotic trance is also similar to that state where one is able to drive the car while thinking of something else at the same time. Then upon arrival at the destination, the person does not remember the actual drive. That is exactly the same state of hypnosis. Any real distraction can re-alert the driver to the road at any time as with those under hypnosis.
In addition, many well-known burn and pain centers worldwide have begun to employ a resident doctor trained in hypnosis to help patients via suggestions for self-induced anesthetic during painful burn treatments. Hypnosis is also commonly used as an anesthetic for labor and delivery for child birth. The results for both have been amazing to say the least.
Experts recommend four general, primary uses for hypnosis: Symptom Management; Uncovering Levels of Awareness; Relearning/Reframing; and for Promoting Healthy Relationships. Under those four headings, hypnotic intervention has been proven successful for a wide variety of mental and emotional symptoms including, but not limited to those of: Depression & Anxiety Disorders; Post Trauma Stress Disorder; Eating Disorders; Smoking Cessation; Over-reactivity; Affect Regulation; Grief & Bereavement issues; Chronic Pain; Stress related issues; Habit/Behavioral Disorders; Neurotic symptoms; some OCD symptoms; and more. Moreover, therapists who tape their hypnosis sessions for home practice report that clients maintain the benefits of self-control,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], relaxation, and continued progress longer term. Clients can replay the tapes and practice hypnotic suggestions on-going, teaching the client to become his/her own therapist in times of need, which has been the goal of CBT all along.
Hypnosis has been safely used as a natural form of relaxation and symptom relief since the seventeenth century. Now that society and managed care is heading toward a more holistic means of healing, hypnosis is becoming an even more popular intervention for a wide variety of ailments and self-growth. Many managed care organizations pay for hypnotic interventions as a viable treatment for clinical issues. Hypnosis has many benefits. In addition to its capacity to relieve physical symptoms, hypnosis can help clients to achieve some of the following skills: develop self-soothing; change cognitions; develop healthy ego-states; develop positive affect; rehearse desired behaviors and skills; focus internally; control impulses; stop unhealthy habits; reduce feelings of guilt, shame, and blame; reduce denial of trauma to prepare the client for real trauma symptoms release; control worrying; manage chronic pain; reduce issues of a wounded self; and progress developmentally toward higher levels of human development. Hypnosis is very similar to meditation, which also uses the concept of narrowed,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], focused attention to connect with the higher self and balanced living. In accordance with the benefits of meditation, hypnosis can afford the patient: focused and increased self-awareness; deep relaxation; feeling one with the self, others, and the universe; and an increased sense of serenity of being.
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Think about your wonderful attributes and not your faults. Take an inventory of your values, skills, talents, interests and “heart”. This is the beauty you present to the world. Leave all your negative thoughts behind at home.